just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
