she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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