Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
