my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?