I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His hands were made for my vagina.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
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When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos