I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.