she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.