btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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