I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
