My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
