Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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