I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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