Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
