The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
