I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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