when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
