Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
