So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.