she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off