I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
