Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.