Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Never let your siblings swipe right.