I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.