Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
