I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
