areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
