My room smells like vodka and shame
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize