If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
