you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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