Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
