ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
