One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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