who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
