If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
