I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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