got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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