She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
