I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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