you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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