My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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