so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
