Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
