I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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