Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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