i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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