Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
