I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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