he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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