Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....