You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Good thing I've started drinking again
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.