rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I touched a dick in church today
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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