Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
