i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying