ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
NoShamevember. You game?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend