Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.