but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
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Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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