Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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