i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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