the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
