You can't special order awesome
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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