Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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