maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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