Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
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The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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