my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
