i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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