It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I need water and some morals
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
