I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
