Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
