woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
